Voiceovers in Film

There are a lot of films out there at the moment that start with a voiceover. “Kick Ass”, “Clash of the Titans”, “How to train your Dragon” and "Repo Men" all open with one. Many more too. I had expected this recent spate of voiceover openings to dent certain egos.

One of the ten commandments of screenplay law, according to some soothsayers is that on no account, ever - and they really mean ever - should you use a voiceover. Never. Ever. Ever.

Throughout the centuries wars have raged, blood has been spilt, towns pillaged, marriages wrecked all in the name of voiceover heresy. “Your script will not be read if it contains a voiceover” a soothsayer once preached at me, before taking me aside and whispering ”It is our duty to hunt down and kill anybody who thinks otherwise. Are you with us?” Believe me, I’m not exaggerating here. More people were killed last year of voiceover related injuries than in car accidents. And that’s the truth.

Unbeknownst to these powers that be, I myself have been using voiceover in secret. For years I’ve been squirreling away manuscripts like dead sea scrolls, fearing recrimination and waiting for a time when the voiceover was welcomed into the bosom of screenplay land. And yet despite Hollywood’s latest releases I feared admitting it.

It was Tuesday morning that things changed. I had a call from the man who is reputed to be the source of these laws: the grand master. Fearing recrimination he asked to meet in secret, under cover of darkness. He has retired, he told me, and the current powers that be must never know we have met, for he is willing to reveal all. He told me that I could ask him any question, but only one. I chose it with care.

“What is the foundation of your voiceover beliefs?” I asked. “Where does this commandment come from?”

“My father passed it down to me,” he replied. “ Never use a voiceover. It was passed to my father by my father's father, and to him by my father's father's father. ”

“And where did he get it from?” I asked eagerly.

“He read it in a book.”

“Ahh.”

“A biblical book?” I asked. “A book written by some omnipotent sage of screenwriting?”

“No, just a book.”

See, this is the problem with the olden days. When I was 10 I believed every single thing I read in a book. It’s got to be true, I’d think, why else would they put it in a book?

The old man went on to say that now he came to think about it, it might not have been an all encompassing rule, but more of a gentle guideline to stop misuse, to stop people using it as an afterthought when they realised they'd forgot to write a proper story. And he is very sorry but he’s always had bad hearing and it might be a case of what is called Chinese whispers.

After this meeting I felt younger and more confident than ever before.

Liberated, I met with the assistant to the current soothsayer and fearlessly declare “My film starts with a voiceover!”

“You’re just writing it like that to be trendy, copying those other films” was his reply. It wasn’t the response I’d been expecting. This was the bit where we were supposed to duel to the death. I demanded to speak to his boss. And in front of a crowded room I outlined my film.

The soothsayer was most flattering about my pitch.

“Yes Bryan, that’s a good opening, compulsory even” he said. “After all, all films must start with a voiceover. Always. It’s the new law. Always. Always. Always.” Then he took me to one side and said “It is our duty to hunt down and kill anybody who thinks otherwise. Are you with us?”

To which I replied “No”.